August 15, 2022

#Journalism

The end of the football season is a time to take stock, to fondly look back on the good moments and/or think what might have been had our teams scored *that* goal or signed *that* player.

It is probably not, as is the case here, a time to wonder what each Premier League team would like if all their players’ faces were thrown together in an app and morphed into a single, often-hideous face. Nevertheless here we are – me writing this, you ignoring it as you scroll on down to look at the pictures. Ah well.

For those interested in how we did this, let us explain. We’ve taken a look at the players who have clocked up the most minutes for each Premier League side this season. We couldn’t possibly have used every single squad member, but we have taken the 16 leading appearance makers and paired them off – morphing their faces together to make eight hybrids on that FaceApp thing you might have downloaded a couple of years ago, then deleted. From there, we repeated the process to make four, then two, then, finally, one.

Here are the results of our hard(?) work.

Arsenal

As you’d probably expect from Mikel Arteta’s youthful Arsenal team, our first hybrid has quite a fresh-faced look about him. Technically brilliant, bags of potential but perhaps lacking the experience to get over the line in a hotly contested race for the top four. You can just imagine Granit Xhaka getting exasperated with him for not following a game plan set out by his manager.

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Aston Villa

All that morphing has really taken its toll here. A slightly terrifying Football Manager regen from about ten years ago.

Bentford

Most of these hybrids tend to end up with manic smiles but Brentford’s bucks the trend a little. While we could easily imagine this bloke being a 6’4 Scandinavian defender signed as a result of the club’s shrewd data analysis and clever recruitment, he also has the look of the ghost of a dead victorian child who used to haunt your old primary school.

Brighton and Hove Albion

Look, we don’t know the ins and outs of how the technology works but, somewhat fittingly, FaceApp appears to have honoured Marc Cucurella’s impressive season by sticking with his trademark hair throughout the morphing process.

Burnley

FaceApp appears to have a problem when it comes to neck hair, as proven here. A strong look of a man who worked on the door for one of those Liquid nightclubs in the early to mid-noughties. Saw right through even the most convincing of fake IDs.

Chelsea

Fucking hell.

Crystal Palace

Excelled in a holding midfield role after a £12m move from an Eredivisie side that isn’t Ajax, Feyenoord or PSV Eindhoven. Linked with a lucrative move to a club in Qatar and, approaching 30, is tempted.

faceapp morph premier league

Everton

Arguably the scariest of all these creations. Nobody associated with this Everton season should be smiling like that.

Leeds United

Leeds players have thrown up a man who represented Romani at the 2017 Eurovision song contest. Didn’t make it through qualifying. Doesn’t like to talk about it.

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Leicester City

This isn’t Youri Tielemans, clearly, but if someone told you Leicester has signed his cousin, you wouldn’t question it.

Liverpool

As with the Cucurella example earlier on, Liverpool’s hybrid appears to have retained the hair of Mo Salah. Could probably score 15 goals a season from the bench and is the reason Divock Origi will end up leaving in the summer.

Manchester City

City have somehow produced the palest man ever known. Could easily pass for one of Edward Cullen’s brothers off Twilight.

Manchester United

Luis Santos, born in 2001, a promising winger who came through the youth ranks at Benfica and was linked with Arsenal before agent Jorge Mendes helped agree a six-year deal with United three months before Jose Mourinho got the boot. Had loan spells with Rio Ave and some Dutch second division club. Hasn’t set foot in Manchester in five years. Probably never will.

Newcastle United

The times are changing at St James’ Park, but it’s good to see Jonjo Shelvey remains a very big part of this Newcastle team.

faceapp morph premier league

Norwich City

Never played for Norwich. Never will play for Norwich. Just a die-hard Ipswich fan whose mates made him dress up like this – captain’s armband included – on his stag do in Benidorm. Wedding called off a couple of weeks after he got back.

Southampton

A shrewd signing from Ecuador. Never played for his national side so no idea how they managed to blag the work permit. Looking at him, probably the brother of the guy from Aston Villa.

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Tottenham Hotspur

Definitely a slight resemblance to Harry Kane in there somewhere. Pierre-Emile Højbjerg, too. A far better player having stopped drenching his food in ketchup six months ago.

Watford

Brought in from Udinese last summer. Hasn’t played a full game since Roy Hodgson took over. Probably going to play for Granada next season.

West Ham United

Product of Real Madrid’s academy but never made a first team appearance. Played seven times as a left-sided full-back for Real Sociedad when David Moyes was manager years ago.

Wolverhampton Wanderers

Strong Coadian influence in this one. Basically just him but with a slightly more Portuguese face.

faceapp morph premier league